Writer's Block

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

Biggest challenge I will have to face in the next 6 months is recovering my recovery. In the last week I faced a situation that tested my mental health and its strength and capabilities and I have failed myself terribly bad. Unable to control my triggers, my impulsive reactions and being over sensitized, I allowed another person’s lies and rumors to get the best of me. Most people know I’m in recovery because of an addiction. I’m also in recovery for my mental health. As I work diligently every day going to various classes and meetings to keep both my addiction and my mental health under wraps. Everything I have been working for in the last year, I have to prove myself again to the whole community I live in and it breaks my heart cuz I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’ve gotten until this incident. I could go on and on about the stigma and about people being narrow-minded and blind to what’s really going on but it’s not about that. It comes down to me and my reaction to things whether I’m innocent or guilty, this time innocent. Unfortunately blamed and treated as guilty. What I am guilty of is my behavior.  I go to occupational therapy, see a psychologist once a week a psychiatrist every 6 weeks go to adult children from alcoholics and dysfunctional families, Al-Anon, celebrate recovery and all recovery mtgs and I feel at my wits end sometimes wondering if I will ever be able to get this right this thing called Life will I ever get it right in my mind. Will people ever understand me being a neurodivergent individual with PTSD, borderline personality, bipolar, depression, panic ,anxiety disorder, sensory processing will anybody understand the shoes that I walked in and walk in currently will I ever be able to walk in my own shoes. This life, this world is a tough place to be in people can be hard and people can be even harder on themselves where does it end and when does it begin or when does it begin and where does it end? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know the feelings that I have when I hit my bottom mentally the feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed, guilt, not good enough, remorse resentment towards myself it is all unbearable. And I guess for the next 6 months I’ll have to just process through those feelings keep moving forward and show myself as well as the community that I’m trying the best that I can with what I have been given and what I know to be the best me I can be.