Writer's Block

What was your favorite subject in school?

I do have a favorite subject that I really enjoyed in school and that would have to be English because I love to write. But if you would ask anyone else that knew me when I was a little girl, they would probably say the nurses office. I always felt different and misunderstood from early childhood age and I felt things differently. I would feel over sensitized. I didn’t like to be touched by other people and too much noise would give me anxiety and I never knew what was wrong. I’d always get a tummy ache or a slight headache or just needed to go lay down for a little bit and get a glass of water and close my eyes and reboot to go back to the torturous environment of an everyday regular classroom. I didn’t know when to smile at the right time I didn’t know when I should’ve raised my hand or if I should raise my hand at all, I didn’t know how to reciprocate back in a conversation with any of my classmates. So, my escape, my way of getting rebooted, would be going to the nurses office quite frequently through out all grades.

The older I got my sensitivities got worse. I got into a really bad abusive narcissistic relationship with a guy, and he would have me in the corner of the room in the fetal position with all his manipulation, vindictive words and tactics being thrown at me and my mind was too over sensitized with what he was delivering, and I found that in some manner hitting my head was a way that I desensitized all of the stuff that was going on in my mind. It was too much in my head and it was very psychologically and verbally abusive. And it has profoundly affected my reputation and who I am and how I feel about myself even after we have been broken up. At 42 years old, I’m now 43, I have found out that I have a very rare condition called somatic processing disorder and it gives me a sense of relief that I have an answer. It helps me understand my whole childhood and upbringing to this current day, but it also makes me really sad because now I live in a community that thinks that I’m a monster that just has these meltdowns and hits my head and is dangerous with no wiggle room of compassion, patience, or understanding. Radical acceptance. I can’t control what other people think, or do or feel and the community has no reason or want to give me a second chance at this. I can justifiably say that with understanding. It’s hard feeling everything hundred times more than a regular person whatever regular can be defined as. I feel things and I bore them more intensely and it really started coming out in a aggressive way towards myself when I met a man and dated him for five years and it wrecked me. So, all I can do and say is that regardless of what anyone thinks about me or who I am or what kind of person I am if I’m kind a monster, mean ,crazy. I do know this. I love to write. I am good at writing and I will continue to do and find those superpowers that I have obtained with having the sensory processing disorder. I’m awesome at painting and I hope that one day I could be an advocate and help someone get through what I Call a very saddening, disappointing embarrassing, shameful experience that I have had to go through at 43 years old and just pray, I can only just pray, and keep working on myself and hope that people will see that I’m not who they really think I am and maybe one day I can walk out my front door and feel like I am accepted again in this world that has always rejected me.