Writer's Block

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

My entire life has been a rollercoaster of failed attempts to find my niche, my calling, my position in life; my purpose. 

I’m sure everyone has a bucket list of things that they want to or dream to accomplish in life. I remember making my bucket list in the 7th grade. I still have it on the same thick blue paper that was personally picked out by me as a school assignment.

I had not experienced many things in my life yet, as I grew up isolated on a farm in a dysfunctional and traumatic home. So, it didn’t require much time for me to complete the bucket list.  I was an inexperienced child. It was not an option for me to be a normal child and do normal child-like things. I had to grow up fast always seeking approval and acceptance from my father.

My bucket list wasn’t what one would typically look like. Simplicity is the best word for it.

So throughout life I have been able to check off most things on my list. Read the Bible, get my driver’s license, have my own place and even so simple as to graduate from high school.

I had a few things that were more like a dream to me, like going to Disney land and writing a book. As we each read our bucket list out loud in front of the classroom, I began to see more peers reading off things that were adventurous, mystical, and daring. It never made me regret any of the things I had put on my bucket list, but that’s when I started seeing the possibilities in life.

I’m now 42 years old. I did accomplish the majority of things on my list including writing and publishing not one but two books. That was checked off in 2021. Since then I have been blessed with finding my artistic side and now have an art gallery online consisting of abstract acrylic paintings on canvas. Now my blog page is up and running

I had accomplished what I considered to be a dream back in 7th grade. So, I didn’t really make it about being well known or being a person of talent or how many books I could sell or art merchandise. So I never promoted my accomplishments or should I say spread the word. I would occasionally post something on my social media.

About 2 years ago at a recovery painting event, I had painted a simple picture of a pink sun set with black silhouette Forrest trees on this tiny canvas. Simplicity is the best word for it and the event leader posted our paintings on social media.

I’ll never forget the day I saw the comment on my painting stating “must have this painting”.  It was the owner of a little store that did consignment with artists to sell their art. I was offered a spot in the store to sell my paintings. I was thrilled, but I made up every reason why I couldn’t take the offer. My paintings were not good enough, no one will buy them, I’m just going to disappoint myself or I didn’t know what they were worth. Anything to not see my true value in my talent, because I truly believed I would be rejected, as I had been many times throughout life and especially as a child.

Just recently I ran into the same determined lady with the store. I explained to her in honesty where my thoughts were 2 years prior and started talking about my published books. I’ve never really known how it felt for someone to see so much potential in me as she did that day as she offered  to buy my paintings and set up a book signing within the next month for my published books.

I hope she reads this one day, because she has given me a second chance to see the beautiful, talented, and worthy person I lost so long ago and gave me even more inspiration to keep moving forward in bettering myself and life to full completion and determination. Honestly I believe this is what is going to save me. I’m so grateful for this opportunity to show people my potential through my artistic side, but mostly for the first time in my life knowing what it feels like to feel worth and to really want to change.