Writer's Block

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been picked on, bullied and teased. I’ve never been the cool popular girl or anyone that people would beg to spend time with. I’ve never seen to fit in. I’ve been wandering around trying to be accepted. I seem to not be able to find my place anywhere in this world.  People continue to do the same thing to me. Talk behind my back, make jokes about me, pick on me and bully me. Being neurodivergent, on the autistic spectrum with somatic sensory processing problems, along with being mentally ill, I am socially challenged.

I’m 42 years old. I’m nobody’s promising future. Adding on all the medical and physical health conditions that go along with the childhood trauma that I’ve experienced. I can accept that. I have accepted that. Who would want to take this mess on? If people don’t want to hang out with me, or don’t want to talk to me,  or don’t want me in their life, I understand. Most people don’t and I’ve also accepted that.

God created me differently than most people. I have a heart of gold and I wear it on my sleeve. I’m such a caring person but people have taken advantage of that. Unfortunately, I have allowed it to make me an angry, bitter person. I’m sorry for the words that I’ve said towards people in anger. I  want to be able to be me, find me, live to be me, and be accepted as me.

Most people  at my age have the unconditional love of children and beautiful grandchildren. Those things I’ll never have. So, just imagine the words that people say to me and how much they just cut right through me and hurt so bad. They’re very fortunate. I don’t want people to be mean to me anymore because I don’t got much unconditional love in my life, if any at all. I don’t want people to judge me for my intentions, as if they are bad. I’m not a bad person at all and I know what pain is. I’ve experienced every kind of pain a human could ever experience and I’m not out to do that to anyone. People need to understand that. I’m just broken.. .Beautifully.